Islam permits Muslims to satisfy their sexual needs only through lawful marriage. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) ordained man to be different than all other irrational creatures. Sayyid Sabeq, in his book, 'Fiqhu-Sunnah', comments as follows:" Islam controls and organizes the sexual behavior and needs. A perfect system is laid down by Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) to maintain and preserve the honor, dignity, and respect of man. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) ordained that a mutual acceptance and agreement must be secured for a marriage relationship between a man and a woman. The man and the woman who are to establish a marriage contract and relationship must perform a "Request" and an "Acceptance". Both spouses to be must have witnesses to testify that marriage contract. Thus, a proper and safe way for this relationship is established. Moreover, the progeny, which is a byproduct of this relationship is also protected, well preserved, and properly cared for. In addition, the woman in Islam is also protected by such contract against unlawful and harmful relationships. Islam established the basis of a nucleus family that is nourished by the mother, and supported by the father. Thus, the products of this marriage are lawful relationship, which would grow up in a fine and suitable environment. This is the system that Islam accepts and maintains for its Believers and as such, it ruins all other unlawful and meaningless relationships"[23].
Wife Selection in Islam
Islam established its own theory for a process of spouse. The issue of marriage in Islam is not an issue of mere sexual satisfaction. Islam considers marriage an institution to establish a family. Therefore, Islam urges marriage seekers to select a long lasting relationship, establish a beloved, and caring family, which should serve the society. All these conditions would not be fulfilled unless there is a pious and righteous wife, who is mindful of the commands of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and careful about all duties entrusted to her. However, other issues of social life must not be neglected. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) states in Quran Sura al-Nur (24:32):“ Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among your slaves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His Grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and He knoweth all things”.
Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) explained the issues that urge a Muslim to marry. He also, emphasized the everlasting factor for marriage, which is righteousness. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which read as follows:“ A woman would be sought for marriage for the following four items: for her wealth, beauty, [honorable] lineage, or for her [strong commitment to] Islam. [When you seek a woman to marry], may Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) bless your hands; seek the one with a strong commitment to faith”[24].
Islam seeks to prepare the best men as husbands. Islam cares a lot for the woman and urges Muslims to be the best for their families, and wives in particular. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which read as follows:“ The most perfect Believers in terms of faith are those, who possess the best character and manners. The best among you are those who are best to their women. I, as Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), am the best among you to my family” [25].
In addition, Islam idealizes a wife as the best woman. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) describes such a woman as follows, which read as follows:“ [She is that woman] who pleases [her husband] when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands [instructs or requests], fulfills his demands and preserves his wealth” [26].
Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is also reported to have said concerning the same subject, which read as follows:“ The best gain a Muslim acquires after [commitment to] Islam is a beautiful wife who pleases him when he looks at her, obeys his commands, protects his privacy when he is absent, and protects his wealth” [27].
Lawful sight of a prospective bride
Islam aims at long lasting marital relationship. If both, strong commitment to Islam and sound moral background are ensured in a marriage, good looks leads to a successful marital relationship. A bridegroom, however, and his bride, both must enter into this relationship with full conviction, mutual acceptance, and preliminary satisfaction of the essential marriage requirements.
Therefore, Islam permits both spouses to look at each other. A man came to Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and informed him that he sought marriage from a specific woman of Ansars. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which read as follows:“ Did you look at her? The man answered negatively. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said: Look at her. There is something [funny] about the eyes of Ansari women [i.e., some blemishing effect]” [28].
This is, of course, a wise advice so as the bridegroom would not regret later if had seen the bride before marriage. He may think, 'I would had changed my mind had I known her to be like that!'
Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) explained the wisdom of the lawful sight of the bridegroom to the bride, prior to concluding a marriage contract. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said to a man who came and told him about his engagement of a certain woman. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which read as follows:“ Did you look at her? The man replied negatively. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) commanded him: 'Go and see her. It is hoped that you both would become lovable to each other” [29].
Love and affection, between a husband and wife, are normal feelings according to Islam. Therefore, so long as this love is pure, innocent, and lawful, Islam condones it and nourishes it by lawful means. A man came and asked Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) which read as follows:“ Oh Messenger of Allah! I have an orphan girl in my custody. Two men sought her for marriage. One is rich and the other is poor. We like the rich and she likes the poor. [to whom should we offer her in marriage?]. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: Nothing is known to be better for people who love one another than marriage” [30].
Additional aspects on marriage preference
Marriage contract, dowry and wedding
The etiquette at the night of wedding
Joking and playing between spouses
Islam regards the fulfillment of sexual instinct as natural, but with regulated and specific conditions. This sexual fulfillment is described in Quran Sura Rum (30:21), as follows:“ And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts]: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect”.
Islam therefore encouraged the establishment of such relationship and stressed to promote it. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which reads as follows:“ Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) asked his Companion Jaber (may Allah be pleased with him): Did you marry? Jaber (may Allah be pleased with him) replied affirmatively. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)asked: Is she a virgin or a divorcee or widow? Jaber (may Allah be pleased with him)stated that she was a widow. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) commented: Why didn't you get a virgin, as you would have fun with each other!”.
Islam, in fact, places a great value for the fun between the two spouses. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which reads as follows:“ All the fun that man has is vain except for three items: shooting arrows, disciplining [training] a gorse and having fun with his wife. These three items are but truthful [or lawful] means of fun” [43].
In fact, Islam encourages best grooming for both spouses. Decent grooming promotes love and increases affection between spouses. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which reads as follows:“ Truly, Allah is Beautiful and He likes beauty” [44].
Ibn Omar (may Allah be pleased with him) also reported that Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have done as Ibn Omar (may Allah be pleased with him) does, which reads as follows:“ Ibn Omar (may Allah be pleased with him) used two types of perfume and said: this is the way that Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) perfumed himself” [45].
Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) is reported to have said, which reads as follows:“ I try to look best to my wife, as I like her to look best to me. I also do not like to demand all my rights onto her, as I, as Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) , am afraid she would also demand her full right onto me [in such a case I wouldn't be able to fulfill it for her]. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) states in Quran Sura al-Baqarah (2:228): And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree [of advantage] over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise”.
Limits of fun between spouses Bed fun
Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, at this point, which reads as follows:“ You may approach her from the front, or from the back, provided that you avoid the anis and while the wife is in menses” [47].
This Hadith, however, means that a husband must avoid doing anything with his wife while she is in menstruation period. Aeshah (may Allah be pleased with hher) reported that:“ While I was in menstruation, I would drink from a cup, then Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) would take the cup, place his lips in the same place of mine on the cup, and drink. I would also take a piece of meat on the bone; bite of it, then put it down. Then, Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) would take the same piece and eat from it, placing his lips in the same place of mine” [48].
Similarly, a husband and wife may enjoy each other, while in menstruation, if they avoid the actual intercourse. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which reads as follows:“ You may do anything [with each other as a husband and wife, while in menstruation] except of actual intercourse” [49].
Jaber (may Allah be pleased with him) is reported to have said, which reads as follows:“ Jews used to believe that if a husband approaches his wife from the back, in the proper place, the born child would be cross-eyed. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) revealed, the following verse in Sura al-Baqarah (2:223): Your wives are as a tilth unto you: so approach your tilth when or how you will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah, and know that ye are to meet Him [in the Hereafter], and give [these] good tidings to those who believe” [50].
In addition, Omar bin AbdulAziz (may Allah be pleased with him) is reported to have narrated the following Hadith of Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), which reads as follows:“ Don't approach your wife sexually and have intercourse with her right away. You should wait until she is as sexually aroused as you are. The man asked: Oh Messenger of Allah! What should I do [in order to achieve that?] He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) replied: Kiss her, touch her, and try to arouse her. If you notice that is she is as ready sexually as you are, then perform the intercourse” [53].
This good practice is purer, more hygienic and enables the person to have a stronger sexual strength and desire.
Fun while taking a bath
A fun with the wife is not confined to the bed only. A husband may have fun with his wife all the time, if privacy for both is well secured and maintained. It is reported of mother Aeshah (may Allah be pleased with her) that she said, which read as follows:“ Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and I, bathed of the same pot of water that we placed between both of us. He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) would beat me to take the water until I say to him, let me have some! Let me have some!” [55].
Fun at home
Mother Aeshah (may Allah be pleased with her) was once asked, which read as follows:“ What would Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) do first when he entered his home? She replied: He brushed his teeth with his Siwak, the wooden toothbrush. I would think that he cleans his mouth and makes it smell better in order to hug his family and kiss them”. Mother Aeshah (may Allah be pleased with her) also reported that, which read as follows:“ Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) kissed one of his wives and went straight out to the Masjid to offer his prayers. He did not perform Wudu ablution” [56].
Fun with wife outside the house
As we pointed out earlier, fun with the wife is permitted at all times and at all places if the full privacy is secured and maintained. No body must see a husband and wife having fun or playing with each other in public. Mother Aeshah (may Allah be pleased with her) is reported to have said, which read as follows:“ While I was young, before I put much weight on me, Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and I were on a trip. He advised his Companions (may Allah be pleased with him) to go ahead of him and called me to race with him. I beat him in running. Then, Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did not ask me any more to race with him for a while. Later on, after I gained weight and forgot that I've beaten him in the race, I was again on a trip with him. He advised his Companions (may Allah be pleased with him) to go ahead of him for a distance. Then, he told me: come let's have a running race! I totally forgot the previous incident when I beat him in the race. Mother Aeshah (may Allah be pleased with her) commented: Oh Messenger of Allah! How can I race with you and I am as heavy as you can see? He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: You must do it. Thus, we raced and he beat me this time. He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) began laughing and said: Oh Aeshah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon her), this win [of mine] by that win [of yours] in the race” [57].
It is important to note here that it is completely unlawful to reveal the secrets of marriage. It is an unacceptable practice to talk about what takes place between a husband and his wife in privacy. Abu Horairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that once Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) , after we finished the prayer, turned to us and said, which read as follows:“ Remain seated! Is there among you who comes out of his house, after he does whatever he likes with his wife, comes out and tells other: I've done such and such with my wife? Those who were present did not reply anything. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) turned to the women and asked the same thing, and they did the same. A young woman, who was present then, sat on her knee, stretched up to be noticed and her voice heard by Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) , and said: By Allah! They all do, males and females. Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said: Do you know the example of the person who does so? His example is like that of a male and female Satans who meets one another on the road, satisfy their sexual desire by getting their thrill while people are watching” [58].
In order to perpetuate the matrimonial life, Islam sets forth certain rights and duties on each of the two spouses. This tends to protect family structure from disintegration at future time. Both spouses must understand their relative rights and duties.
The rights of wife over her husband
It suffices here to list some verses of Quran and traditions of Hadith of Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) that illustrate the rights of the wife in Islam.
As such, we see that full perfection is due to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) alone. No man is perfect one hundred percent on this earth.
The rights of a husband over his wife
The following are only hints from the Glorious Quran and Hadith concerning the rights of a husband over his wife.
Divorce in Islam
Islam regards marriage bond as sacred and blessed. As such, Islam is keen to strengthen the relationship between the two spouses. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) indicates the great value of the marriage bond as He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) states in Quran Sura Nisa (4:21):“ And how could ye take it when ye have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a solemn covenant”.
In fact, Allah's Mssenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said, which read as follows:“ Iblis [Satan], places his throne on water and sends his troops. The closest one [of his troops to him] is that who has the greatest trail and temptation [to mankind]. As such, Satan would bring that member of his troop closer to him [in honor and respect for what he did]. One of the members of Satan's troops would come forward and reports what [evil activities] he did. Satan would comment: 'You did not do anything. Then another one of his troops would come forward and report: I did not leave that man [a husband] until I separated him from his wife. Satan would bring that one of the members of his troop closer to him [in honor and respect] saying: Yes indeed. It is you [who deserves the honor]” [65].
Similarly, Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) demonstrated the respect and honor of the marriage bond by saying, which read as follows:“ He is not considered among us [Muslims], who turns a woman against her husband” [66].
Although Islam places a great importance on the marriage integrity and declares it holy and honorable, yet Islam legalizes divorce that breaks this great bond. Nevertheless, Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have described divorce, which read as follows:“ The most hatred lawful item in the Sight of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is divorce” [67].
Islam reached this decision when marriage reaches a dead end between the two spouses and there is no other solution except divorce. Islam is keen to protect the Muslim family and the Islamic society. The anti-social behavior of husband or wife can cause chaos in the society. Such chaos may very well lead to mixed lineage, falsified inheritance, deprivation of genuine rights and spread of indecency in the community.
Although divorce is lawful, it is still well restricted. In fact, divorce is not a toy in the hand of the person, which he may use it any way when he or she likes. Muslim scholars illustrate that divorce must take one of the four following forms:
The same items also apply to the husband as well. If a husband does not commit himself to the Islamic teachings, if he is indecent or if he has a bad character, or bad personality, or if he has physical defects that make life miserable with him, a wife is entitled to seek divorce from such a husband on such grounds.
Khul'u in Islam
Khul'u is divorce on the instance of the wife's request in Islam, who must pay her husband compensation in order for him to accept divorcing her.
If marriage were not based on love, affection, comfort, and agreement between the two spouses, life then would turn into misery rather happiness and comfort. Marriage, in such a case, would no longer be a harmony, peace of mind and comfort, but rather hardship and adversity. If one of the spouses hated the other, or doesn't trust him, there would be no hope for marriage continuation. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) states in Quran Sura Nisa (4:19):“ On the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good”.
Islam legalized khul'u however when life with the other spouse becomes unbearable. Of course, divorce normally is a right to the husband; therefore, he can issue it when he feels fit. However, if the wife hates the life with her husband and could no longer take it, then, in such a case, she may demand divorce by the process of Khul'u, paying the husband compensation for what he had already paid her in order to terminate the marriage.
This is the justice in the best form, we believe. A husband paid the dowry, bore the marriage expenses, and paid other expenses as well. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) states in Quran Sura Baqarah (2:229):“ It is not lawful for you, [men], to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye [judges] do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, there is not blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah; so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah, such persons wrong [themselves as well as others]”.
Islam aims at preserving people's honor and dignity. Islam also aims to protect and secure the society by closing all doors for possible social corruption. The presence of a husband with a woman whom he does not like, and vice versa, would very likely lead to suspicious and unlawful relationships. Therefore, Islam legalized divorce. Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) states in Quran Sura Nisa (4:130):“ But if they disagree [and must part], Allah will provide abundance for all from His All-Reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise”.
Results of sexual freedom and confusion
Islam bans adultery and all types of fornication labeling it as one of the major sins in Islam. In fact, Islam bans all acts and means that may lead one to commit adultery or fornication. Sayyid Qutub illuminated in his book In the Shade of Quran:" Islam aims at eliminating all forms of pure animalistic sexual behavior. Islam wishes to help establish a proper home and a caring family resulting of the proper and lawful sexual relationship. Islam does not tolerate a mere sexual relationship that makes the human being very much like an animal, which is driven only by his mere sex for mating and reproduction. Islam erects a loving and caring relationship between two hearts and bodies of two human beings who live together and have the same hopes and common ground life. The proper "marriage nest" that is built on such basis would house the new generation under the custody, care, and guardianship of both Muslim parents. Hence, Islam instituted very strict and severe punishment for adultery and fornication. Islam considers adultery as animalistic behavior that abolishes all human manners and principles. If a person is merely interested and concerned to satisfy his sexual desires, he would turn into an animal in the shape and body of a human being. Such a person may not be trusted for being in charge of the prosperity on earth. In fact, there is no real emotional satisfaction of the mere sexual relationship. Emotional relationship is a continuous, everlasting, and caring one. It is not, in reality, what is categorized to be in terms of a short-term materialistic love as a response for the bodily attractions only, although some people may shed so many emotional characteristics on it. Islam does not, at all, fight, or stand in the way of the normal human behavior, but rather controls it, organizes it, purifies it, and elevates it above the level of the animalistic behavior. Islam promotes the human sexuality or lust to become the core of the personal morals, social attitudes, and relationships. As for adultery and fornication, and more precisely prostitution, one feels that it is, in reality, empty of all these feelings, emotions, and sense of belonging and relationship. Islam looks at prostitution as one of the lowest ill acts of a human society. Such a poor practice makes man below the level of animals in attitudes and behavior. In fact, there are many animals who live a decent and organized social life, away from the mess and confusion that prostitution creates in some human societies "[68].
It is useful to list some of the bad results and the chaos situation that sexual confusion brings to a human society and to the morals of the people. One of the inevitable results is the spread of adultery and fornication in the society. These are some of the results of the sexual confusion in the human society:
Adultery and fornication would remove brightness from the face of the practicing person because of the deprivation to enjoy full personal satisfaction, physically and spiritually. Such a person would feel low in morals and attitude. Thus, such a person would turn into an animal, in the shape of a human being. All what such a person cares for and interested in is to satisfy his sexual desire, regardless of the means. Furthermore, adultery would also cause a person to face poverty because of the huge amounts of money he would spend on such unlawful sexual activities. Such a person would exert lot of efforts and wastes lot of valuable personal energies as well, that he might have utilized it in a better and more productive form. Thus, spending such wealth and energy causes constant regret. Indulging in unlawful sexual activities would cause great harms to the health. In fact, adultery is a major health hazard. Thus, adultery and fornication would shorten the life span of a person because of the potential diseases that may endanger his life and possibly cut it short.
[23] Sayyid Sabeq, 'Fiqhu-Sunnah', Vol.2, P.7.
[24] Bukhari and Muslim reported this Hadith.
[25] Abu Daoud reported this Hadith.
[26] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[27] Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[28] Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[29] Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[30] Ibn Majah reported this Hadith.
[31] Bukhari reported this Hadith.
[32] All reports of Hadith except for Muslim reported this Hadith.
[33] Ahmad and Nasai reported this Hadith.
[34] Uqiyah is a weight.
[35] Ahmad, Tirmithi and Nasai reported this Hadith.
[36] Bukhari and Muslim reported this Hadith.
[37] All the members of the group of narrator reported this Hadith.
[38] Bukhari reported this Hadith.
[39] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[40] Abu Dawoud and Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[41] Bukhari reported this Hadith.
[42] Bukhari reported this Hadith.
[43] Ahmad reported this Hadith.
[44] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[45] Ahmad reported this Hadith.
[46] Abu Daoud and Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[47] Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[48] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[49] All the reporters of Hadith except for Muslim reported this Hadith.
[50] Bukhari and Muslim reported this Hadith.
[51] Bukhari reported this Hadith.
[52] Abu Ya'la reported this Hadith.
[53] Al-Moghni, Vol.8, P.137.
[54] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[55] Bukhari and Muslim reported this Hadith.
[56] Ahmad reported this Hadith.
[57] Ahmad, Abu Daoud and Nasai reported this Hadith.
[58] Ahmad and Abu Daoud reported this Hadith.
[59] Ahmad reported this Hadith.
[60] Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[61] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[62] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[63] Tirmithi reported this Hadith.
[64] Ahmad and Tabarani reported this Hadith.
[65] Muslim reported this Hadith.
[66] Abu Daoud and Nasai reported this Hadith.
[67] Abu Daoud and Hakim reported this Hadith.
[68] In the Shade of Quran, Sayyid Qutub.
[69] Baihaqi reported this Hadith.
[70] Man between Materialism and Islam, Mohammed Qutub.
[71] Ahmad reported this Hadith.
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